Seems I'm Not Alone in Being Alone

Sep 18, 2024

The other week I was wandering through Trader Joe’s and Sting – of whom I am a super fan (I even have his lute record…proof below) – was singing a line I’ve heard countless times from his song “Message in a Bottle”:

“Seems I’m not alone in being alone.”

It really hit me differently this time, though. I’ve had so many conversations recently with people who are alone and feel alone in their loneliness. Nobody is talking about it though. Well, in a way, everybody is talking about it. David Brooks’ most recent book, How to Know a Person, deals wonderfully with the lost art of conversation but then shifts rather dramatically to the devastating effects of a culture of desperate loneliness. He writes:

“Starting around 2018, a plethora of books have been published tracing the catastrophic decline in social relationships across society. They have titles like Lost Connections, The Crisis of Connection, and The Lonely Century. In different ways, they present us with the same baffling mystery: The thing we need most is relationships. The thing we seem to suck at most is relationships.”1

So, everybody is talking about it in a sense, but in a deeper sense nobody is talking about it. We’re talking about it in books, sermons, podcasts and whatnot, but we’re not talking about it with each other. Almost all the lonely people I meet, the ones who feel they somehow don’t have the ability to connect, feel like they’re the only ones. They feel alone in their aloneness. Nothing could be further from the truth, friends. When I worked at the University of Calgary we brought in a lot of great guest lecturers and had fantastic follow-up discussions. But the talks that got the most interest and generated the most discussion by far were not the talks from the “big names” we brought in, they were the talks on the spirituality of friendship and community. It was like students – a lot of students – didn’t even know where to start. But again, most thought that everyone else did. And so I’ve had it on my heart to write this post in hopes that you, dear lonely one, might be able to come to a place of saying, “it seems I’m not alone in being alone.” Perhaps this is one of our first steps forward, coming to the realization that so many people are feeling this way.

Let’s tear down a few barriers, shall we. First, you’re truly not alone in being alone. The bookshelves at the local bookstore tell us this; pastoral conversations tell us this; working with young adults has told me this. Second, it’s time for us to stop thinking this is merely, or even mainly, a problem that teenagers are dealing with. This makes those who aren’t teenagers feel like an anomaly. A recent article in The Atlantic titled “20-Somethings Are in Trouble,”2 revealed that it is not youth, but young adults who “are the ones most in crisis” when it comes to loneliness.3 In a study conducted by Richard Weissbourd, who, by the way, was shocked at the results, revealed that “teenagers and senior citizens are actually the two populations with the lowest levels of anxiety and depression.”4 Other studies showed similar data. This is not to say that we don’t have a crisis with our teens; we do. But young adults are the ones finding it extremely difficult to connect with others. And of course, this carries forward in life. So, if you’re somewhere between the age of teenager and senior, you’re not alone in your loneliness. Again, this is not to downplay the loneliness of those groups but to debunk the idea that young adults who are lonely are an anomaly. Far from it. Third, if you feel like you don’t know where to start…you’re not alone. I cannot tell you the amount of times that I’ve heard some variation of this sentiment from people. So can we be honest an acknowledge that a lot of people, including church people, are lonely? Can we say it out loud so that people don’t feel further isolated in their legitimate feelings? I think we need to.

So what can we do? What can you do? I don’t have a silver bullet here. I do know, though, that you can for sure stop believing the lie that there’s something inherently wrong with you if you feel lonely. In the words of Eric Minton, “It’s Not You, It’s Everything.”5 I think that’s the first step, acknowledging and learning how to connect with each other again and doing so without shame.

I guess the second thing I would strongly suggest is to avoid the temptation to retreat into your loneliness. I’m not sure why, but when we begin to feel isolated we tend to isolate even further. Brooks again:

“The effect of this [loneliness] are ruinous and self-reinforcing…When people feel unseen, they tend to shut down socially.”6

Stated more succinctly by Giovanni Frazzetto,

“Loneliness obfuscates.”

Be aware of this common reaction and fight the temptation to avoid others in your loneliness.

Third, and related to what was just said: hang out more. One of the things that we’re trying to do as a church is simply hang out more together. Nothing extravagant, just showing up and grilling out at church on a Friday night (we’ll do this the evening of October 25th), or sitting down for coffee before or after service together, or getting a group together to hang out at a cafe. Lean into these simple moments, not away from them. Maybe risk trying again if it didn’t work the first time.

Finally, don’t be afraid to simply say, ‘I’m feeling pretty lonely right now and I don’t know how to connect.’ I promise you that you aren’t alone and we, your church, want to help you. You probably don’t need an elaborate program, but maybe just a conversation with someone over coffee or tea. What most of us actually want is simply to be seen and accepted; to belong.

So let’s try and be the kind of church where there is no shame in confessing loneliness, and also the kind of church where people tend to hang out before and after the service, or at a BBQ, or outside of church during the week. The truth is we all need it and it’s not impossible. Let’s be a place and a people who intentionally lean into this and learn to notice the person who comes to worship but seems to head out of the door pretty quickly. It’s amazing how a simple introduction and an invitation to grab a coffee or a meal can literally change a person’s life.

Phil†

All Souls Knoxville Substack

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